The Lurker
"Hey Harold, how's the wife and kids?" Spunk asked as the bells jingled. The late afternoon sun was beating down outside and the zealots stood lonely in the browning grass. Spunk was grateful for the thermostat -- something his previous accommodations had not had -- as well as his reliable and upbeat staff.
"Fine as always. Little Jimmy's got yet another weird poop thing going on."
"Oh, God." Spunk said sympathetically. His littlest kid was somehow the most fucked up.
"Little dude just kinda pulls his pants down before he gets to the bathroom. Walks around half the house with his ass and balls just hanging out for everyone to see. It's cute when it's just us, but yesterday we had that little get together,"
"Yeah, sorry I couldn't come." Spunk said. "Next time. I swear."
"Uh huh. Sure boss." Harold said doubtingly. "Anyway so this little asshole runs around the house with his butt just hanging out his damn pants... and he trips and falls and basically lands his ass directly on Rita's shoe."
Spunk cackled. "Damn, that kid."
"I don't know what I'm going to do with him. What if he starts pulling that shit at school?"
"There's always homeschool." Spunk said. "You could bring him here during the day... Amalyn could teach him!"
"Yeah, that'll go over great with Michelle. She barely acknowledges where I work now." Harold took off his jacket and hung it on the coat rack behind the counter. "Worst part is, when the kid finally got himself back together and made it to the toilet, just in time, might I add, that little bastard plugged the goddamn indestructible toilet that we just installed."
"He takes after his dad, then." Spunk grinned. "You and your megacolon."
"Kid's got the poop devil in him." Harold said. "So what's up for today? Any new stock? Seminars? Serial masturbators?"
"Nothing too exciting. How were the protestors? Did they look like they were doing alright?"
"They seemed fine. You want me to bring them some water or something?"
"It might not be a bad idea. Their kids aren't out there with them, are they?"
"That couple has kids? Dear god. It's somehow so much worse when those sort reproduce."
"Hey now. You have a poop demon for a child. Something something he who throws the first stone?"
"That's true. Their kids probably don't plug indestructible toilets for fun."
The door jangled and both men turned towards the noise. A humanoid creature -- Spunk wasn't sure which species, but the face was definitely off -- walked through the door, its reptilian eyes scanning the ceiling briefly before settling on Spunk and Harold. It approximated a smile, with pointy teeth. Its movement was controlled but jaggedy, like a soundtrack skipping.
Spunk felt a racist thought stutter up and then go back down as he admonished it. Space Pirate's Awesome New Kinkporium served all. All means all. Even weird lizard faced men in dark trench coats.
The man strolled casually past the front counter without a word in edgewise to Harold or Spunk. He ran his fingers along the holographic screens with titular animations for digital downloads, pulling his hand away when it reached a shelf full of actual product. He stopped, squatted down to look at a collection of cock rings, and then stood and continued his journey.
Spunk wasn't sure if it was intentional, but the man's movements were jarringly unnatural. Like he was an old time-y movie. Spunk wondered if there was more than met the eye with this one.
"Hey, you wanna..." he said idly to Harold as his eyes glued on reptile man's back. Harold took his cue.
"Already on it." Harold typed a few things into the computer and Spunk let his gaze leave the man and turn to the screen. The camera footage was pulled up onto the large screen behind the counter. Together, they watched the man walk in.
"Nope. It's just weird, not hyper fast." Harold said as he watched the jerking behavior in slow and in fast motion. There was no hyperspeed. The man just moved oddly.
"I'll go. You stay." Spunk said to Harold and lifted the separator between the counter and the floor. The door's bell dinged again as a young, shy looking couple pushed the glass doors open and stepped inside.
Spunk made his way towards the middle of the store at a casual ramble. The store had not been terribly busy, but there were enough customers inside that Spunk's ramble through the store seemed more customer service oriented and less spying on the weird reptilian dude.
He found the man in the paddles section. He was running his fingers along each of them, as if not totally committed to the idea, and also somewhat shy about it. His odd movement style was wearing on Spunk's eyes, but he didn't feel like the man was going to be trouble.
"Hey friend, anything I can assist you with today?" Spunk asked gently, still startling the man who turned quickly, met his eyes, and began to blush. Blue. The man was now tinged blue.
"Uh, no, thank you. I just, um..." He trailed off. The blue was nearly iridescent. It was an impressive display for a humanoid.
"We're a sex-positive shop." Spunk offered helpfully. "I'd be happy to explain, give recommendations, or even let you test out some of the equipment. We have realistic models in the back that you can play with."
The man seemed more frightened than placated by Spunk's offer. Most people came out of their shell after a moment or two, but Spunk could tell that this man would be a challenge. Spunk could almost see the man's deep seeded parental issues boiling at the surface of his bright blue skin.
"Well, if you do need anything, please just let me know. My name is Spunk. I'm the owner of this shop. And Harold is working the front desk right now. I'm going to go, er," Spunk scanned the aisles but didn't see any additional customers that he could harass, "Continue my rounds." He decided. "I'll be back in this section in a while if you do want to take me up on that offer to test." He winked. "It is way more fun than you'd expect."
The man nodded and broke eye contact. He looked like he was seconds from fleeing the shop and maybe even the planet. Not wanting to lose a customer -- or scar him for life -- Spunk turned on his heel and left the aisle.
He visited the dildo section next. Young couples were drawn to that section like moths to lamps. It was somehow safer for them to touch fake penises than think or talk about real ones. The young couple that had entered as he left the front counter was lingering on the edge of the dildo section. Like clockwork.
"Hello, friends!" Spunk gushed enthusiastically. These two were first-timers, yes, but they seemed braver. Even if they were taken aback by Spunk's greeting. "Welcome! I am Spunk, the shop owner here. Is there anything I can assist you with today?"
The couple exchanged looks. The shorter man's ginger hairline was already beginning to recede, complemented by a thick rusty beard and tight rimmed glasses. Clad in a plaid shirt, he somewhat resembled Old Earth's lumberjacks, a class of historic humans hellbent on destroying natural areas. Spunk was sure, however, that this petite man had never cut a tree down in his queer little life. His partner was more bear-like, with an ample beer belly and arms covered in dark hair. His ponytail was slicked back and secured with a single green tie. His arm hung loosely over the shorter man's shoulders.
"Well, we're in the market for one of those high-tech custom dildos." The taller, bear-like figure said easily. "I know it takes a while for tech to reach this far out, but I'm getting deployed to a rig in Psi Ceti 9 and we'll be apart for weeks or months."
"Ah, yes. I see." Spunk agreed, his mind racing. He had just downloaded the technology to Amalyn, but had not yet activated the new 3D printer sitting in the basement. "Well, lucky for you, I have invested recently in one of those on-site printers. However... I haven't quite got it set up yet. When do you deploy out?"
"About three weeks." He squeezed his smaller partner's shoulders affectionately. "Do you think there's enough time?"
"I'm sure there is. We'll make it work. If not, there's always..." Spunk waved off to his left, "Those do-it-yourself kits. They're not great for electronics, but if you're looking for --"
Spunk's train of thought was cut off by an unearthly screeching coming from the paddles section. He looked behind him quickly, to make sure the facility wasn't on fire. He turned back to the men with an apologetic smile as the scream cut off.
"Excuse me just a minute. Head up to the front desk when you're ready, and either Harold or I will schedule a time with you for your... fitting."
Spunk didn't wait for them to answer, but marched back towards the paddle section. I knew he was trouble. I knew it. I never should've left that lizard thing alone. The scream came again. Spunk was unsure if it was anguish, fear, excitement, or something else entirely. But he did know that screaming was not good for business. The scream cut off as suddenly as it had appeared. He picked up his pace.
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