Ghosts Can't Drive

The ship’s crew and cargo were perhaps the oddest assortment of creatures and items that Spunk had ever transported anywhere. You couldn’t really beat a pregnant Lightbringer missionary girl, a blue ghost and his bucket of goo, two old military buddies turned purveyors of sex and kink, and the most expensive stock that they could jam into the cargo hold. Just in case those assholes did return in three days, and set fire to the shop. Even Amalyn was making the journey, albeit as a portable speaker instead of her usual, multifaceted self. The only thing that hadn’t been taken care of was sharing with Edie who the passengers were, and where they were going.

Spunk set the ship on autopilot and turned to the humanoid passengers. Harold was busy clipping his nails, and Edie was busy staring out of the window, too uncomfortable still to even sneak looks at the high class glass and metal dildos, machinery, and leather garb that littered every free inch of the ship.

“Edie?” Spunk asked as he let the controls drop from his hands. “We need to uh, talk, for a bit. Is that alright?”

Edie looked up from her hands and nodded. “Sure, I’ll get out of your--”

“No,” Spunk corrected. “Not Harold and I. You. And I. We need to talk. There are some things that I haven’t shared with you.”

A look of panic crossed her face. “Are you not… are we not…” It was like she couldn’t form her words. He cut her off again.

“No, we’re going to get you taken care of. And we’ll be back in a few days. Just like I promised. It’s more… there’s also something else we need to do. And we’re hoping you won’t mind. It has to do with the attacks a few days ago.”

Edie looked uncomfortable, but said nothing, so Spunk kept talking.

“Listen, the day you showed up with your family at the shop. We had a customer come in and he got sick. Real sick.” He wasn’t sure why he was suddenly talking to her like a child, but figured it was probably in his best interest to continue doing so. “He wasn’t human though. He’s a Neval. Have you heard about them, on the news?”

Edie nodded. “They’re the ones that sent the bombs.” She offered. Spunk agreed.

“Yes, those ones. So this Neval he… he transformed from his humanoid shape into his reproductive stage. Right on our floor. It was disgusting. The news didn’t say this but, even when they’re goo, they can take a human form. It’s just…” Spunk wasn’t sure how to say it. It sounded so ridiculous coming out of his mouth.

“There’s a bucket of goo on this ship named Saffold, and also he’s basically a ghost?” Harold offered into the awkward silence. Spunk could tell that they had lost her. Her eyes were darting around, doubting them with suspicion so large it could swallow a planet.

“Saffold?” Spunk asked the silence, and like magic, a blue haze appeared before them. Edie’s eyes got very wide, very quickly. “Now, we have to be careful.” Spunk said as Edie’s fear became larger and larger. “Saffold can affect electrical fields in his current form, which means that when he get scared, like you are right now, Edie, he can do things like potentially mess the ship up, or knock us all out.”

Edie took the hint and begin breathing deliberately. Slowly. Because she had been about to scream her dainty little head off.

“Thanks Saffold.” Spunk said as he finished materializing. “I’m going to tell the rest of your story now, so if you’re going to be upset about it, maybe tune us out?” He asked. The ghost nodded serenely and vanished in a puff of blue smoke.

“So anyway,” Spunk said, hoping that Edie would calm down and refocus. “Apparently his brethren basically… drugged him before he escaped them and it was like a ticking time bomb and he just happened to go goo stage in our shop. Now, the Neval are unique in their biology. Apparently when they go goo stage, their options are either mate or die. His fellow Neval forced him to go goo because they wanted him to mate with someone from a royal family, but he doesn’t want to.”

“So like rape?” Edie asked and he nodded. Her eyes grew large and sorrowful. He wondered if the reason she was pregnant was somewhat similar. He didn’t want to pry.

“Exactly. So he introduced himself to us after he went goo and we’ve been hiding him ever since. Last night, two Neval came into the shop and threatened us if we didn’t lead them to Saffold. They gave us three days to turn him over. Or else.” He mimicked their angry, gleeful, and evil tone as best he could. He fell far short of the intended effect.

“So what’s going to happen now?” She asked. “Is the shop..?” She looked scared, and Spunk guiltily remembered her father and brothers, picketing the closed shop like it was their job.

“Well, Saffold says there’s a way to turn him back into his humanoid form. It’s been rumored that there’s a special fountain on the planet Greshinkt in the system Greta Nineteen Seven that will help his species change their forms.”

“What if it doesn’t work?” She asked, and Spunk shrugged.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Saffold would prefer to end his life before being mated, so that’s the last possible option we have. But we would prefer everyone to come out of this alive. Anyway…” He quickly changed topics before she asked too many more questions when he had so few answers. “Turns out the Greta Nineteen Seven system also has a great medical care system and no restrictions on procedures, so we can head there before or after we deal with Saffold’s issue. And then we’ll be on our way home, hopefully, before the three days are up.” Two now. Spunk thought. Two quickly dwindling days.

“But if he turns humanoid again, won’t his race just… turn him back? Force him to go through with it?”

“There’s a religious tradition.” Spunk said easily, “Which says that if a Neval goes back, they’re sacred and revered. We’re hoping that prevents them from trying to force him again. It’s the best solution we have.”

Edie nodded sagely, too wise for her years. “Thank you for sharing all of this with me.” She said. “And thank you for helping me, too.”

“Don’t thank me yet.” Spunk said. “We’re nowhere near halfway through this little adventure of ours, and shit may hit the fan soon enough.”

“I trust you.” She said simply. “You’re not what papa says. You’re a good man.”

The words warmed his heart, even as he felt the lie in them. If she had only known the kind of man he had been before, she would be less apt to say nice things about him. How many friends and brothers had he left behind before being turned around by sweet, innocent Amalon? Too many.

“We’ll be there in just a few hours.” He said, changing the topic. “Harold here has no skin in the game, but he’s the best pilot I know, so he’ll be flying while we try to find that fountain of Neval youth or whatever it is.”

“Do you know if anyone’s done it before?” Edie asked, and Spunk shrugged.

“It’s mostly legend, I think. The pool of potential Neval who would want to do that is probably very small. Plus, if you turn goo on the next planet over and want to turn back, what’re you going to do? Ghosts can’t drive.”

Harold snorted and Spunk winked at his friend. Edie giggled too. Spunk hoped with all of his might that they would get through this adventure unscathed.

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